I Wish

I thought I was the only one who messed up. I really did think so. Of course I appreciate the different friends I had met in my high school years. Some with amazingly awesome personalities. But honestly, when I look back, I didn't feel happy. I didn't miss it like how a lot of my other acquaintances had told me high school life was the best time of their life where friendships blossomed and stayed, where people were kind and helpful, unlike the brutal outside world even in college. Not even a mite that I felt high school life was worthy and blessed. I just generally didn't have fond memories of high school. Maybe I did have some. But the negative far over-weighed the positive.

It was a shame to remind myself it was my ignorance and ego that contributed to the demise of my (high school) friendships. But then again my ego would not allow me to take all the blame on myself. We had all been through those difficult times. The boycott play. The love for a second then hatred for days for no solid reason. The pointless endless attempts at comparing with each other to prove our superiority against another. Guessing all the time because we were too curious to know what they were scheming on our backs and misunderstanding at every insignificant gestures, like a Facebook status or a facial expression that was not in our favour.

There were times when even being sad was wrong and should be hated upon. The reckless gossiping session, not realizing we might be too hard one the ones we poured our hate on. The foolish and silly act to point out others' mistakes, then magnify it without realizing how catastrophic was the supposedly heroic act, thinking you had the prowess, that you were holding justice right in your hands. Those pretty colossal mistakes. We all thought we were right.

Happy times were always short but it was still difficult to fathom how friendships could turn into something so nasty. The distance between us kept growing, way faster than we could handle. I had been very mean to some. The irresponsible, egotistic me. Still, I would not take all the blame on myself because doing so was just unfair. We all had very small hearts.

Bury the hatchet.

That seemed like the most morally correct solution. But deep down we all knew it was difficult to reestablish those friendships. Hate on each other continued to find its way to crawl back. How could we possibly be genuinely happy just talking to each other, when you had sworn you would forget how that particular person had done wrong upon you only after forever? How despicable and bitchy that face was. I know right.

The purpose of this post is not to spark any discontent, indignation or fury. I only wished I had a wonderful high school life. I wished I wasn't so stupid to help ruining those friendships. I wished high school memories were my pride. But those wishes remained as mere wishes. We couldn't turn back time. But we certainly have full control of our future. Life is too short to be spent hating on each other. It's tiring. Everyone knows that.

Aggravation

I kept myself buried in the blanket she had made for me. It was so difficult to handle the disgruntlement and poignancy she had conferred me that I refused to get out of bed, for a while. The faint amount of sanity she had left me compelled me to talk in my head, complaining how unreasonable she was, how she shouldn't have done what she did, as if there was someone who had enough credibility to comprehend what I was going through, to fully understand my side even if it was difficult for the world to. Frustration had taken over me, at least that was what I thought.

I felt her approaching me, while trying to reason why another innocent "turned against her" in her daily preach.

"I believe in what she has just said in the phone," I said hesitantly.

"You really think so? That she is worth the trust?"

"Because even you didn't believe in me. I would totally understand how difficult it is to be not trusted."

I was still tucked in the blanket. I didn't know uttering those words would bring tears to my eyes. I thought I was only frustrated at the unjust treatment. I was wretched and grief-stricken in fact that I almost gave it away in the tremor of my voice. But yes, she didn't even realize the importance of what I had just said. And I could only come to comforting myself under the blanket with the shed of devalued tears and gathering myself together afterwards.

Unresolved

I don't need you to constantly feed me with accusation. I have feelings too. I try to compromise every time you make those remarks. But it's something that should never, ever be tolerated. Complaining bout how everyone is turning his back against you. If you have so much distrust in even your loved ones, sorry to say it's only a matter of time they stray away from you, without guilt.

But I will try my very best to activate selective hearing defect. Words I don't wanna hear, why must it come from you?