I wonder how he is doing now.
Does he hate me already?
It was a very painful decision. Very mentally agonizing for both of us. I'll always try to be the one who backs out first if I feel like there's a chance of losing someone. I feel ashamed for being fearful of the future. I'm so afraid and intimidated that I don't want to face it. The amount of denials ahead of us. Are they bound to happen? Or are they imaginary and it's just me? Sometimes I think how good it would be if she, who is against us, is less judgmental. Or how good it would be if she's more normal, if our family is the typical happy family. Or how less trouble there is if she's not even existent to stop us. But I'm well aware these thoughts are not very far from insanity. In fact, they are the epitome of it.
How paradoxical that the nights I happily spent with him do not at all mean I'm going to bed as happy. Some nights I spend so much time thinking how it is not going to work for us, crushing tearing pain sears through my chest. So insecure there is no amount of bolsters and pillows could give me anything close to feeling safe. And tears have become nothing but cheap.
Sometimes I hope it is only the two of us. And no one else has any say against us. But sometimes I wish he would just leave me all alone, hate me and start to think he deserves better and that I'm not the apple of his eye after all. Just so I wouldn't have any reason to keep him.
So I keep hurting him while I hurt myself.
Has he given up already?
Is that what I want?
Am I being very selfish? Despite being so unsure of the rest, I guess I have the answer to this. I am.
The earth does not stop spinning just because you lose someone. How much heartache. It will be forgotten. How much love. It will be forgotten.
