So she flunked the quiz.
Lucky her it was only 5 percent to the final grade. She
thought she’d at least manage half the 5 percent. But Ning Jie was never okay
with flunking a quiz or test, exam even. (Nobody thought Ning Jie would ever
flunk any, which was complimenting and distressful at the same time.) She’d go
on and on right after the paper, ranting about how she found the stupid
mistakes she’d just made unacceptable and unbelievable or how she could’ve done
better. It was the same this time. She wasn’t quite okay after the test. But it
wasn’t about the paper. In fact, she felt indifferent about the paper. Screw it. Just screw it for once, she
thought.
It was probably about yesterday’s read. People always said
that with time, pain would eventually go away. It was like pain was something
you didn’t want to see ever again. You went the extra miles digging a big freaking
hole burying it with time. But in fact, it was never gone. Because you buried
it right there, so it was there the whole time. Eventually the soil got washed
away, and you just felt weak, exposed and broken.
That was what she felt engrossed in yesterday’s read. It was
almost like the whole thing happened before her eyes again. It wasn’t necessarily
a good thing how people could relate to the melancholic scene in a book, so much. So much that she felt angered, like
Cath. Broken, like Cath. Asking the how-could-you’s
like Cath did. Perhaps she just really had bad coping mechanism. Wren coped
with everything pretty well. Hanging out with friends and staying in everyone’s
bracket. But Ning Jie was like Cath. Cath didn’t want anyone to talk to her.
Because it was awkward. She couldn’t deal with people. She didn’t know what
should be said and what should not be. Or she just didn’t know what to say most
of the time. Cath just wanted to be alone (or not really) and that made her
look so pathetic until someone too nice came along to be her friend. Cath never
tried hard to make any friends. Even if she really wanted to have company.
Also, Cath was so angry her mom left her and drove her dad
crazy. It was a vicious cycle. Cath kept holding on to the things that made her
sad. Or especially that one particular thing that made her depressed. I’m not
even sure I’m talking about Ning Jie or Cath now. Every time Ning Jie read up
something related to the tragedy (Would you call it a tragedy? Of someone you
thought was supposed to be a superman for you, leaving you?), or watched a
really moving scene on TV about it, she’d feel as though every horrible thing was
relived again. In a not so good way. She tried hard to escape. Because everyone
else was fine. (This was obviously a self-centered statement. Not everyone else
was fine. Some people had bigger problems. But I’d let her off for this one.
She needed the emotional booze.) Everyone else said she could move on. Everyone
else said everything that was supposed to make her feel better. But it was
hard. Really hard.
And she went on reading Fangirl by Rainbow Rowell. It was
supposed to be centered on romance I guess. Ning Jie took the wrong focus
because…
Because pain demands to be felt.
