Pain Demands to be Felt

So she flunked the quiz. 

Lucky her it was only 5 percent to the final grade. She thought she’d at least manage half the 5 percent. But Ning Jie was never okay with flunking a quiz or test, exam even. (Nobody thought Ning Jie would ever flunk any, which was complimenting and distressful at the same time.) She’d go on and on right after the paper, ranting about how she found the stupid mistakes she’d just made unacceptable and unbelievable or how she could’ve done better. It was the same this time. She wasn’t quite okay after the test. But it wasn’t about the paper. In fact, she felt indifferent about the paper. Screw it. Just screw it for once, she thought.

It was probably about yesterday’s read. People always said that with time, pain would eventually go away. It was like pain was something you didn’t want to see ever again. You went the extra miles digging a big freaking hole burying it with time. But in fact, it was never gone. Because you buried it right there, so it was there the whole time. Eventually the soil got washed away, and you just felt weak, exposed and broken.

That was what she felt engrossed in yesterday’s read. It was almost like the whole thing happened before her eyes again. It wasn’t necessarily a good thing how people could relate to the melancholic scene in a book, so much. So much that she felt angered, like Cath. Broken, like Cath. Asking the how-could-you’s like Cath did. Perhaps she just really had bad coping mechanism. Wren coped with everything pretty well. Hanging out with friends and staying in everyone’s bracket. But Ning Jie was like Cath. Cath didn’t want anyone to talk to her. Because it was awkward. She couldn’t deal with people. She didn’t know what should be said and what should not be. Or she just didn’t know what to say most of the time. Cath just wanted to be alone (or not really) and that made her look so pathetic until someone too nice came along to be her friend. Cath never tried hard to make any friends. Even if she really wanted to have company.

Also, Cath was so angry her mom left her and drove her dad crazy. It was a vicious cycle. Cath kept holding on to the things that made her sad. Or especially that one particular thing that made her depressed. I’m not even sure I’m talking about Ning Jie or Cath now. Every time Ning Jie read up something related to the tragedy (Would you call it a tragedy? Of someone you thought was supposed to be a superman for you, leaving you?), or watched a really moving scene on TV about it, she’d feel as though every horrible thing was relived again. In a not so good way. She tried hard to escape. Because everyone else was fine. (This was obviously a self-centered statement. Not everyone else was fine. Some people had bigger problems. But I’d let her off for this one. She needed the emotional booze.) Everyone else said she could move on. Everyone else said everything that was supposed to make her feel better. But it was hard. Really hard.

And she went on reading Fangirl by Rainbow Rowell. It was supposed to be centered on romance I guess. Ning Jie took the wrong focus because…

Because pain demands to be felt.

The Sound of My Heart

I wonder how he is doing now.

Does he hate me already?

It was a very painful decision. Very mentally agonizing for both of us. I'll always try to be the one who backs out first if I feel like there's a chance of losing someone. I feel ashamed for being fearful of the future. I'm so afraid and intimidated that I don't want to face it. The amount of denials ahead of us. Are they bound to happen? Or are they imaginary and it's just me? Sometimes I think how good it would be if she, who is against us, is less judgmental. Or how good it would be if she's more normal, if our family is the typical happy family. Or how less trouble there is if she's not even existent to stop us. But I'm well aware these thoughts are not very far from insanity. In fact, they are the epitome of it.

How paradoxical that the nights I happily spent with him do not at all mean I'm going to bed as happy. Some nights I spend so much time thinking how it is not going to work for us, crushing tearing pain sears through my chest. So insecure there is no amount of bolsters and pillows could give me anything close to feeling safe. And tears have become nothing but cheap.

Sometimes I hope it is only the two of us. And no one else has any say against us. But sometimes I wish he would just leave me all alone, hate me and start to think he deserves better and that I'm not the apple of his eye after all. Just so I wouldn't have any reason to keep him.

So I keep hurting him while I hurt myself.

Has he given up already?

Is that what I want?

Am I being very selfish? Despite being so unsure of the rest, I guess I have the answer to this. I am.

The earth does not stop spinning just because you lose someone. How much heartache. It will be forgotten. How much love. It will be forgotten.

Walter Johnson

Memories of that morning were rather vague. But I could still remember she got into the classroom with a few others and was immediately asked to perform the speaking task for MUET without time conferred for adequate preparation considering that was perhaps her first time exposed to MUET speaking, and first day in that school. Coincidentally, I was in the same group with her.

Was that how it all started? I wasn't quite sure. She happened to sit around the same table with me for the first semester, and right beside me for the second and third. We were friends just before we knew it. Who would have seen it coming? That we would talk and gossip together about Guy A and Guy B, Girl C and Girl D. That she would happily spare me her food for my stomach that yearned for food 99.99% of the time. (This is very very important. Love her mom's cheese cake amg...) That we would complain of being sleepy during lessons. General Studies lessons especially. Even the thought of it made me yawn. ~.~ That we would hang out for movies together. That she would listen to me ranting about my problems while I enjoyed making her feel bad because there wasn't much she could do and vice versa. That I would take loads of selfie with her and delete them because I felt I looked really bad in them. (heh heh...) Those little things everyone might have done. They seemed unimportant. But those seemingly unimportant things had built us. And I was assured there was more to come in our friendship.

So this birthday girl deserves a shoutout.

HAPPEH BIRTHDEYY, Wei Jin!

Enjoy your special day and stay aweeeeeeeeeeeesome! <3 p="">

My little confession: Your laugh is too damn infectious. It's shoo funny. T_T

Hold On For Dear Love

Reading back my previous post, it felt extremely emotional and regretful. That sinful me. That innocent me. Those damaged, messed up times we all wish we could turn back. We made ourselves believe everything happened for a reason.

However reluctant I was, I could not deny that there was perhaps truth in "everything happened for a reason". These ordeals we had been put through would serve as a reminder, forever and always, for us to not repeat those mistakes that promised anguish, that we now had learned how to keep friendship alive and whatnots.

Everything happened for a reason. Those words resonated across the room. I found myself unable to come to terms with that statement. Reasons? What reasons? With prices that would break our hearts?

-------

Then again, I guess everyone deserved a happy ending. And I felt blessed that I could proudly say I had found the happy ending. I was glad I was given chances to start new and find a place where I belonged. I was grateful I had met them, those friends in the sixth form in SMKKB. Our friendships were still new and young. That, I was well aware of. But I would hold on to them, as long as I could.

I Wish

I thought I was the only one who messed up. I really did think so. Of course I appreciate the different friends I had met in my high school years. Some with amazingly awesome personalities. But honestly, when I look back, I didn't feel happy. I didn't miss it like how a lot of my other acquaintances had told me high school life was the best time of their life where friendships blossomed and stayed, where people were kind and helpful, unlike the brutal outside world even in college. Not even a mite that I felt high school life was worthy and blessed. I just generally didn't have fond memories of high school. Maybe I did have some. But the negative far over-weighed the positive.

It was a shame to remind myself it was my ignorance and ego that contributed to the demise of my (high school) friendships. But then again my ego would not allow me to take all the blame on myself. We had all been through those difficult times. The boycott play. The love for a second then hatred for days for no solid reason. The pointless endless attempts at comparing with each other to prove our superiority against another. Guessing all the time because we were too curious to know what they were scheming on our backs and misunderstanding at every insignificant gestures, like a Facebook status or a facial expression that was not in our favour.

There were times when even being sad was wrong and should be hated upon. The reckless gossiping session, not realizing we might be too hard one the ones we poured our hate on. The foolish and silly act to point out others' mistakes, then magnify it without realizing how catastrophic was the supposedly heroic act, thinking you had the prowess, that you were holding justice right in your hands. Those pretty colossal mistakes. We all thought we were right.

Happy times were always short but it was still difficult to fathom how friendships could turn into something so nasty. The distance between us kept growing, way faster than we could handle. I had been very mean to some. The irresponsible, egotistic me. Still, I would not take all the blame on myself because doing so was just unfair. We all had very small hearts.

Bury the hatchet.

That seemed like the most morally correct solution. But deep down we all knew it was difficult to reestablish those friendships. Hate on each other continued to find its way to crawl back. How could we possibly be genuinely happy just talking to each other, when you had sworn you would forget how that particular person had done wrong upon you only after forever? How despicable and bitchy that face was. I know right.

The purpose of this post is not to spark any discontent, indignation or fury. I only wished I had a wonderful high school life. I wished I wasn't so stupid to help ruining those friendships. I wished high school memories were my pride. But those wishes remained as mere wishes. We couldn't turn back time. But we certainly have full control of our future. Life is too short to be spent hating on each other. It's tiring. Everyone knows that.

Aggravation

I kept myself buried in the blanket she had made for me. It was so difficult to handle the disgruntlement and poignancy she had conferred me that I refused to get out of bed, for a while. The faint amount of sanity she had left me compelled me to talk in my head, complaining how unreasonable she was, how she shouldn't have done what she did, as if there was someone who had enough credibility to comprehend what I was going through, to fully understand my side even if it was difficult for the world to. Frustration had taken over me, at least that was what I thought.

I felt her approaching me, while trying to reason why another innocent "turned against her" in her daily preach.

"I believe in what she has just said in the phone," I said hesitantly.

"You really think so? That she is worth the trust?"

"Because even you didn't believe in me. I would totally understand how difficult it is to be not trusted."

I was still tucked in the blanket. I didn't know uttering those words would bring tears to my eyes. I thought I was only frustrated at the unjust treatment. I was wretched and grief-stricken in fact that I almost gave it away in the tremor of my voice. But yes, she didn't even realize the importance of what I had just said. And I could only come to comforting myself under the blanket with the shed of devalued tears and gathering myself together afterwards.

Unresolved

I don't need you to constantly feed me with accusation. I have feelings too. I try to compromise every time you make those remarks. But it's something that should never, ever be tolerated. Complaining bout how everyone is turning his back against you. If you have so much distrust in even your loved ones, sorry to say it's only a matter of time they stray away from you, without guilt.

But I will try my very best to activate selective hearing defect. Words I don't wanna hear, why must it come from you?

Gone

Every time she says it like she really sees it coming. And I just brush it off, washing away those words thinking about the best that could happen instead of the opposite. If it really does, at this moment, then it's the worst kind of coincidence at the worst timing. I wouldn't know what to feel but one thing's for sure. That I'll be left in remorse of agony. And I'll move on while holding on to this pain for life, despite barely remembering it.

The Escape

The sky was no longer young. I couldn't tell whether it was late in the night or too early in the morning. The moon was nowhere in my sight when I looked up to the dark sky, so dark as if promising me some sort of incoming perils. I tossed my head away, looking at the people around me. They were not very well-dressed and designer clothing would be more than exorbitance to them.  They were the homeless and abandoned. The betrayed and alone. The feeling that they'd had very difficult pasts came strong for no reason and all of them seemed to have overcome their problems and come this far in their lives. I dared not ask any question in the fear that I might offend them, unintentionally cutting open the wounds that had been feeding on them in total brutish.

It took me a few minutes to realize myself interacting with them in that seemingly abandoned parking lot, with a few vehicles located at different corners; they were so scattered they were not even parked properly. We were exchanging our goods, negotiating prices and engaging ourselves in the oddest trade of all. We had important stuffs like food for survival to limited edition Pokemon cards. (Don't ask me why Pokemon cards, I don't even know.)

Everything seemed calm and forgiving until a tiger whom existence was taken granted for, softly growled.

Yes, the promised perils.

As if planned ahead, everyone grew into silence in unison. Fear was slowly engulfing the people, including the timid me. It was only pure rationale to immediately depart from that jeopardous place. Two men and I quickly ascended a van with one of the men as the driver. What could be seen from my window seat was people finding their way out and climbing into other vehicles in the hope to save themselves from the ghastly, raging hungry tiger.

The driver punched the van towards the exit, like people escaping from villains in an action movie (or vice versa). We almost came into a disastrous collision with the shoddily designed small exit. What I thought was true was apparently wrong. We were not abandoned. Instead, we were held captive. But there was nothing a few unarmed guards could do with a racing van. We broke through a few exits to finally see daylight. We were safe.

-------------

It was a few years later that I saw myself clad in a black dress, taking moderately fast steps to that familiar van. It was the same van. I cautiously got into the van to only see a whole lot of impolite students, as I randomly heard vulgarity and cuss words being excessively practiced in their conversations. The driver was someone I know but I could barely tell who she was. Then, I saw the two men who saved me, or rather, who escaped the horrible scene with me a few years ago, coincidentally clad in black too. A faint smile was exchanged between us, as though everything was understood.

This was actually what I dreamed of this morning. Often times, I dream about escaping. I dream about being attacked by monsters, ghosts or just anything that can prove harmful to me. I don't know why I could see this similar pattern in my dream, that I am always escaping. And it's also unexplained that sometimes I could remember these vividly. So as soon as I woke up this morning, I decided to pen them down, or shall I say, to transform the dream to what you have just read in front of a computer screen. So yeah, peace out!

Nothing but, nothing

She's a very sensitive person. And a very sensitive person can only take that much.

Words can be mind-blowingly beautiful. They, too, can hurt and kill.

A friendly expression can light up one's day. The opposite can ruin everything, no matter how much you think you didn't mean it.

Maybe her being a b**** is the reason why jerks are all around her.

Tears are nothing but, nothing.

Bizarre Indian Old Lady

I'm actually super mega relieved that I've moved to Kepong Baru (very near to my current school I'm studying in), if you haven't known already. This really cuts the frills. My mom doesn't have to fetch me to and fro school. Most importantly, I do not need to wait for her for what seems like hours anymore. Hah! But rumour has it that all the sixth formers in KL will need to be garnered to a building in Desa Park City specialized merely for us, unlike the current system, where the sixth formers are dispersed to myriad different secondary schools. (aww)

So for now, my everyday morning routine is to get my arse off the bed at 6:30a.m., the most torturous moment of the day when I have to fight my eyelids closing every time I endeavor to get up. I don't get up by myself though. I have a 24/7 complaining mother who gets extremely put off if I don't become magically awake after the first time she attempted waking me up, like, saying, "Ning, 起来咯~(get up lo)" in a super tender voice. Yes, only after the very first time when she knows I stay up late every single night doing productive stuffs. *coughcough*

I'm almost always almost late to school every morning. Uh, does that even sound right? *lookup&think* It makes sense to me anyway. (lol) But I'd rather run to school every morning than to lose an extra 5-minute shuteye. It's essentiallllll. At least running is... is some sort of healthy sport in the morning. I feel like I'm speaking against my conscience. ._.

In the beginning, I thought I was only imagining things when I thought I saw a silhoutte watching me every single time I pass by that junction just near school. Apparently, I am not. There's this Indian lady standing behind her gates, clad in what looks like some two-piece clothes pervaded with some traditional Indian elements or is that simply a pyjamas? For what I can recall, she has short, black hair with lots of grey streaks and she wears a pair of glasses.

It's somewhat vague in my mind because every day I just rush pass her to be real certain I step into the school compound right before 7:15. I'm literally running like a horse. But the fact is that the way she looked perched there every morning, watching whatever I don't perceive as interesting, just bothers the hell out of me. It's kind of, creepy? She should go get breakfast with her kids or something. And I wonder if she has kids. If it's negative, then it's really saddening. Who on earth leaves their own mom standing behind the gates in the wee hours?

Innocent Man

Have you ever felt the struggle to keep everything inside while waiting for people, your friends for instance to discover the problems and quandaries you're facing? Huuuuuuuge paradox. That's what stupid people do. Mind readers are not all over the streets. I'm one of those stupid people, really.

I don't have the guts to daringly announce my problems on Facebook anymore because I thought that is just annoying. I should be looking for solutions, not ranting and be irritating and make myself look like a fool. But since I have nowhere to pour my heart out, I always end up soaking myself up with tears. Eww, so ugly. I know right.

Anyway, here's a quote that really motivates me when I'm down, depressed and stuff. Love this quote to death.

I can survive. Dying is hell. Why is living supposed to be hell?

Everything's gonna be alright. =D

Jerk

No words can describe the degree of my foolishness.

I was so stupid.

It was too big a favour.

I should never have agreed to do it.

Now I feel like shyt.

You're a jerk, really.

I hate you.

I've lost it, my integrity. =(

MUET Essay 37/60

I do agree to the statement that studying abroad has greater prospects than studying locally. For one having financial problems, studying abroad or locally, more often than not, is not a matter that one can decide. However, if one is given the opportunity to study either abroad or locally with full financial support, what choice would he make? I believe that most individuals prefer to opt for the former. This is due to the greater prospects of studying abroad compared to locally which include stronger adaptation to working environment acquired, ample job opportunities, gaining different life experiences compared to those who study locally and getting to know cultures of other countries.

Home is where everything is made easy and comfortable for the government does take good care of its fellow people. For instance, the government is recently giving handouts of money or book vouchers for scholars to assist them financially. With the government's assistance, the path to earning a degree in university is made simple. However, people who study abroad do stand at an advantage even though they may be alone and far from their home town. Studying abroad is always thought to be of higher level of difficulties as it requires one to be a proficient user of foreign language such as French or Japanese if not the international language, English. Amidst all the quandaries, one will learn to accommodate to the environment which is utterly different from his home town without any help or assistance significant enough. They stand at an advantage for they will acquire strong adaptation to working environments and they are competent to handle their job better than those who studied locally.

Some say the perception of other people or their stereotype is not important as long as we strive for the best in whatever we do. However, in this world engulfed by materialism, this is not always the case. People are judged with tainted spectacles based on their family background, financial status or even by where they have obtained their degree or master. The Malaysian mentality is that a graduate from abroad is undoubtedly better and more capable. Of course, the employers would not think differently and I can see the rationale in this kind of mentality. Universities from abroad with good reputation are certainly producing graduates of better qualities than those of local. Hence, studying abroad does have greater prospects.

Next, one who studies abroad is open to a vast sea of job opportunities. These job opportunities, more often than not, promise a high pay which could be translated to the transformation of one's financial status. Money will not give us whatever whim we fancy but without money, almost nothing can be done in this 21st century. This may not sound convincing to the nation but it is indeed an undeniable benefit and offer to the individual. Those who study locally are deemed to contribute to their own country and this somehow can be a limitation to their own success for they are not exposed to various opportunities like how those who study abroad are.

In addition, even though Malaysia is a developing country and we have watched its success over half a decade of independence, some of its universities are still not very well equipped. There are even complaints that the lecturers are not good enough to provide the scholars with sufficient and appropriate knowledge. These shortcomings could be overcome easily only if one chooses to study abroad in a more developed country where the necessary apparatus and materials for effective learning are provided and good lecturers are promised. Therefore, it can be concluded that studying abroad provides better education for the scholars.

Latterly, the idea that Malaysian graduates lack skills like creative thinking skills, interpersonal skills and so on to name a few is widely debated. This is, however, true to some extent for they are not pushed to their limits and the ways of teaching and learning in local universities do not require one to think out of the box and present themselves in the best way possible. It is opposite for universities from abroad since their ways of teaching differ and are less rigid and more flexible which in turn, allow room for intelligence capacity. This produces graduates who are of greater ability and they will surely gain benefits when looking for jobs since people like them are more wanted.

Besides, one who studies abroad gets to know the culture of the country he is studying in. Studying abroad serves as an eye opener and is such great life experience that one who studies locally could never possibly acquire. They will learn to understand how certain things that are accepted in one society can be so strongly objected in another. They will see the beauty of other country's culture instead of being immersed and engulfed in their own. They will also have an entire different circles of friends and build up a large network of acquaintances which can be very helpful when they are out to work.

To sum up, studying abroad not only enhances the quality of education one is receiving, it is also very rewarding and promising in many ways. Like what I have mentioned, one who study abroad is held much more highly than one who studies locally. They have bigger circle of friends and better job opportunities. Not to forget, they are also more holistic and competent. Hence, it is impossible not to believe that studying abroad indeed has greater prospects than studying locally.

*I personally think I deserve a little more, just a little more than 37. TT

En passant

I went home just to find the cables connecting the system unit with other hardware all unplugged. Got me exasperated. Bro, what the hell were you doing with those cables? .__.

And oh, talking about a guy I've just befriended. We are classmates and only got the chance to formally introduce ourselves to each other after school's dismissal yesterday. He gave me an impression that he is a quiet guy, rather reticent. Am I imagining things to think that he looked so tensed during lessons?

I had quite some fun passing the time with some friends when the teacher wasn't around, yet. It so happened that three of us were selected and had attended the National Service. Except that we were placed in different camps, in the different corners of Malaysia. We shared our experience, told our tales about the happenings throughout the 3-months National Service. En passant, speaking of the shooting activity in the camp, I kind of regretted that I didn't take a photo of me posing with the M16 rifle. *wannalookcool

God is watching over you, He hears you. =)

Composed

1) Today had definitely proven my distress and worries superfluous. My classmates were nothing short of cordial. And I reckon, I was being convivial if not hyperactive. I was glad I didn't look all lost and alone already.

2) The most difficult part of Malaysian University English Test (MUET) is the speaking test they said. And I could not beg to differ. During our MUET lesson just today, we were exposed to this particular speaking test. I'm not so sure that I can do very well for this test because I'd never put conversing in English into practice even in St Mary. But I hope that with the training from our teacher, Puan Geraldine, I'll be well prepared before the real test in July 2013. Yeah, we are so many months away, which is sort of good.

3) Latterly, I've been engaging myself in painting wall mural in school. Um, for the sake of some co-curricular activities points to ensure my bright future for university admission (smirking, hehe). And it's never boring to play with colours! =P

4) Mom always wanted me to walk a short distance from school to somewhere near the 99 Speedmart and she'd pick me up there. You know, to avoid the busy traffic near the school where myriad cars are so obstructed that they could scarcely move. Today after school dismissal, I could barely catch any sight of her car. After waiting for a long while, I decided I should just head home on my feet. Walking home from SMK Kepong Baru is not cool at all. It's 5km or one hour under the scorching sun. All I got in the end was being severely tongue-lashed 'cause I made her wait for almost an hour there. What luck. I must have been visually impaired or she reached there right after I was gone.

The way she reverts to the normal, good her after mentally thrashing me is driving me up the wall. Then, another displeased look. Ahhhh......

Today was a pleasant day, anyway. =)

Dream

I like Christine Grimmie's emotion so so much.

Feel so fucked up right now. 'Cause mom's constantly feeding me with sarcasm. She has never stopped trying, you know. Then, she always turns around and acts like nothing's ever happened. And throw me another displeased look. What the......

I must convince myself I was only having a dream.

Now I am thinking one is better than two.

I'm a Worrywart

I've been such a worrywart and I'm sorry I'm still one. Sometimes I feel like I'm annoying you. Sometimes I think you're mad at me. Sometimes I think I'm worth nothing. Sometimes I think I've made the most colossal mistake in the world. What can I do to make myself see there's no need for insecurities? I. have. no. idea.

I used to think the people who post a thousand or a million statuses fueled with negativity and pessimism on Facebook should get a life. Now I think I know what they feel. They yearn for recognition. Partly to console their insecure selves. Or simply attention seeking.

You made a decision that you wanted to move on, 'cause I was wrong.

Practice

A friend of mine told me she wants to make it a point to chat with at least 2 people on Facebook a day to ensure her Facebook is not only filled with once-good-friends-now-strangers. That sounds like a pretty good practice. And I've been dropping out of good practice. I used to make sure that I google every single new words that I came across whenever I was on the internet, whether I was simply chatting with a friend or reading an article. At that time, this practice made my vocabulary a little less handicapped than my peers. Then, slowly, my laziness caught me. I tended to just skip the words I didn't quite comprehend and the practice faded. Now I want to make it a point to pick up this practice of mine again. =)

你就吃啊？

你是怎么了？觉得吃多些可以弥补心中的空虚吗？别吃那么多了，不健康。你会变得很胖很胖。然后挑衣服时会挑得比现在生气。=P