Pain Demands to be Felt

So she flunked the quiz. 

Lucky her it was only 5 percent to the final grade. She thought she’d at least manage half the 5 percent. But Ning Jie was never okay with flunking a quiz or test, exam even. (Nobody thought Ning Jie would ever flunk any, which was complimenting and distressful at the same time.) She’d go on and on right after the paper, ranting about how she found the stupid mistakes she’d just made unacceptable and unbelievable or how she could’ve done better. It was the same this time. She wasn’t quite okay after the test. But it wasn’t about the paper. In fact, she felt indifferent about the paper. Screw it. Just screw it for once, she thought.

It was probably about yesterday’s read. People always said that with time, pain would eventually go away. It was like pain was something you didn’t want to see ever again. You went the extra miles digging a big freaking hole burying it with time. But in fact, it was never gone. Because you buried it right there, so it was there the whole time. Eventually the soil got washed away, and you just felt weak, exposed and broken.

That was what she felt engrossed in yesterday’s read. It was almost like the whole thing happened before her eyes again. It wasn’t necessarily a good thing how people could relate to the melancholic scene in a book, so much. So much that she felt angered, like Cath. Broken, like Cath. Asking the how-could-you’s like Cath did. Perhaps she just really had bad coping mechanism. Wren coped with everything pretty well. Hanging out with friends and staying in everyone’s bracket. But Ning Jie was like Cath. Cath didn’t want anyone to talk to her. Because it was awkward. She couldn’t deal with people. She didn’t know what should be said and what should not be. Or she just didn’t know what to say most of the time. Cath just wanted to be alone (or not really) and that made her look so pathetic until someone too nice came along to be her friend. Cath never tried hard to make any friends. Even if she really wanted to have company.

Also, Cath was so angry her mom left her and drove her dad crazy. It was a vicious cycle. Cath kept holding on to the things that made her sad. Or especially that one particular thing that made her depressed. I’m not even sure I’m talking about Ning Jie or Cath now. Every time Ning Jie read up something related to the tragedy (Would you call it a tragedy? Of someone you thought was supposed to be a superman for you, leaving you?), or watched a really moving scene on TV about it, she’d feel as though every horrible thing was relived again. In a not so good way. She tried hard to escape. Because everyone else was fine. (This was obviously a self-centered statement. Not everyone else was fine. Some people had bigger problems. But I’d let her off for this one. She needed the emotional booze.) Everyone else said she could move on. Everyone else said everything that was supposed to make her feel better. But it was hard. Really hard.

And she went on reading Fangirl by Rainbow Rowell. It was supposed to be centered on romance I guess. Ning Jie took the wrong focus because…

Because pain demands to be felt.

The Sound of My Heart

I wonder how he is doing now.

Does he hate me already?

It was a very painful decision. Very mentally agonizing for both of us. I'll always try to be the one who backs out first if I feel like there's a chance of losing someone. I feel ashamed for being fearful of the future. I'm so afraid and intimidated that I don't want to face it. The amount of denials ahead of us. Are they bound to happen? Or are they imaginary and it's just me? Sometimes I think how good it would be if she, who is against us, is less judgmental. Or how good it would be if she's more normal, if our family is the typical happy family. Or how less trouble there is if she's not even existent to stop us. But I'm well aware these thoughts are not very far from insanity. In fact, they are the epitome of it.

How paradoxical that the nights I happily spent with him do not at all mean I'm going to bed as happy. Some nights I spend so much time thinking how it is not going to work for us, crushing tearing pain sears through my chest. So insecure there is no amount of bolsters and pillows could give me anything close to feeling safe. And tears have become nothing but cheap.

Sometimes I hope it is only the two of us. And no one else has any say against us. But sometimes I wish he would just leave me all alone, hate me and start to think he deserves better and that I'm not the apple of his eye after all. Just so I wouldn't have any reason to keep him.

So I keep hurting him while I hurt myself.

Has he given up already?

Is that what I want?

Am I being very selfish? Despite being so unsure of the rest, I guess I have the answer to this. I am.

The earth does not stop spinning just because you lose someone. How much heartache. It will be forgotten. How much love. It will be forgotten.

Walter Johnson

Memories of that morning were rather vague. But I could still remember she got into the classroom with a few others and was immediately asked to perform the speaking task for MUET without time conferred for adequate preparation considering that was perhaps her first time exposed to MUET speaking, and first day in that school. Coincidentally, I was in the same group with her.

Was that how it all started? I wasn't quite sure. She happened to sit around the same table with me for the first semester, and right beside me for the second and third. We were friends just before we knew it. Who would have seen it coming? That we would talk and gossip together about Guy A and Guy B, Girl C and Girl D. That she would happily spare me her food for my stomach that yearned for food 99.99% of the time. (This is very very important. Love her mom's cheese cake amg...) That we would complain of being sleepy during lessons. General Studies lessons especially. Even the thought of it made me yawn. ~.~ That we would hang out for movies together. That she would listen to me ranting about my problems while I enjoyed making her feel bad because there wasn't much she could do and vice versa. That I would take loads of selfie with her and delete them because I felt I looked really bad in them. (heh heh...) Those little things everyone might have done. They seemed unimportant. But those seemingly unimportant things had built us. And I was assured there was more to come in our friendship.

So this birthday girl deserves a shoutout.

HAPPEH BIRTHDEYY, Wei Jin!

Enjoy your special day and stay aweeeeeeeeeeeesome! <3 p="">

My little confession: Your laugh is too damn infectious. It's shoo funny. T_T

Hold On For Dear Love

Reading back my previous post, it felt extremely emotional and regretful. That sinful me. That innocent me. Those damaged, messed up times we all wish we could turn back. We made ourselves believe everything happened for a reason.

However reluctant I was, I could not deny that there was perhaps truth in "everything happened for a reason". These ordeals we had been put through would serve as a reminder, forever and always, for us to not repeat those mistakes that promised anguish, that we now had learned how to keep friendship alive and whatnots.

Everything happened for a reason. Those words resonated across the room. I found myself unable to come to terms with that statement. Reasons? What reasons? With prices that would break our hearts?

-------

Then again, I guess everyone deserved a happy ending. And I felt blessed that I could proudly say I had found the happy ending. I was glad I was given chances to start new and find a place where I belonged. I was grateful I had met them, those friends in the sixth form in SMKKB. Our friendships were still new and young. That, I was well aware of. But I would hold on to them, as long as I could.

I Wish

I thought I was the only one who messed up. I really did think so. Of course I appreciate the different friends I had met in my high school years. Some with amazingly awesome personalities. But honestly, when I look back, I didn't feel happy. I didn't miss it like how a lot of my other acquaintances had told me high school life was the best time of their life where friendships blossomed and stayed, where people were kind and helpful, unlike the brutal outside world even in college. Not even a mite that I felt high school life was worthy and blessed. I just generally didn't have fond memories of high school. Maybe I did have some. But the negative far over-weighed the positive.

It was a shame to remind myself it was my ignorance and ego that contributed to the demise of my (high school) friendships. But then again my ego would not allow me to take all the blame on myself. We had all been through those difficult times. The boycott play. The love for a second then hatred for days for no solid reason. The pointless endless attempts at comparing with each other to prove our superiority against another. Guessing all the time because we were too curious to know what they were scheming on our backs and misunderstanding at every insignificant gestures, like a Facebook status or a facial expression that was not in our favour.

There were times when even being sad was wrong and should be hated upon. The reckless gossiping session, not realizing we might be too hard one the ones we poured our hate on. The foolish and silly act to point out others' mistakes, then magnify it without realizing how catastrophic was the supposedly heroic act, thinking you had the prowess, that you were holding justice right in your hands. Those pretty colossal mistakes. We all thought we were right.

Happy times were always short but it was still difficult to fathom how friendships could turn into something so nasty. The distance between us kept growing, way faster than we could handle. I had been very mean to some. The irresponsible, egotistic me. Still, I would not take all the blame on myself because doing so was just unfair. We all had very small hearts.

Bury the hatchet.

That seemed like the most morally correct solution. But deep down we all knew it was difficult to reestablish those friendships. Hate on each other continued to find its way to crawl back. How could we possibly be genuinely happy just talking to each other, when you had sworn you would forget how that particular person had done wrong upon you only after forever? How despicable and bitchy that face was. I know right.

The purpose of this post is not to spark any discontent, indignation or fury. I only wished I had a wonderful high school life. I wished I wasn't so stupid to help ruining those friendships. I wished high school memories were my pride. But those wishes remained as mere wishes. We couldn't turn back time. But we certainly have full control of our future. Life is too short to be spent hating on each other. It's tiring. Everyone knows that.

Aggravation

I kept myself buried in the blanket she had made for me. It was so difficult to handle the disgruntlement and poignancy she had conferred me that I refused to get out of bed, for a while. The faint amount of sanity she had left me compelled me to talk in my head, complaining how unreasonable she was, how she shouldn't have done what she did, as if there was someone who had enough credibility to comprehend what I was going through, to fully understand my side even if it was difficult for the world to. Frustration had taken over me, at least that was what I thought.

I felt her approaching me, while trying to reason why another innocent "turned against her" in her daily preach.

"I believe in what she has just said in the phone," I said hesitantly.

"You really think so? That she is worth the trust?"

"Because even you didn't believe in me. I would totally understand how difficult it is to be not trusted."

I was still tucked in the blanket. I didn't know uttering those words would bring tears to my eyes. I thought I was only frustrated at the unjust treatment. I was wretched and grief-stricken in fact that I almost gave it away in the tremor of my voice. But yes, she didn't even realize the importance of what I had just said. And I could only come to comforting myself under the blanket with the shed of devalued tears and gathering myself together afterwards.

Unresolved

I don't need you to constantly feed me with accusation. I have feelings too. I try to compromise every time you make those remarks. But it's something that should never, ever be tolerated. Complaining bout how everyone is turning his back against you. If you have so much distrust in even your loved ones, sorry to say it's only a matter of time they stray away from you, without guilt.

But I will try my very best to activate selective hearing defect. Words I don't wanna hear, why must it come from you?

Gone

Every time she says it like she really sees it coming. And I just brush it off, washing away those words thinking about the best that could happen instead of the opposite. If it really does, at this moment, then it's the worst kind of coincidence at the worst timing. I wouldn't know what to feel but one thing's for sure. That I'll be left in remorse of agony. And I'll move on while holding on to this pain for life, despite barely remembering it.

The Escape

The sky was no longer young. I couldn't tell whether it was late in the night or too early in the morning. The moon was nowhere in my sight when I looked up to the dark sky, so dark as if promising me some sort of incoming perils. I tossed my head away, looking at the people around me. They were not very well-dressed and designer clothing would be more than exorbitance to them.  They were the homeless and abandoned. The betrayed and alone. The feeling that they'd had very difficult pasts came strong for no reason and all of them seemed to have overcome their problems and come this far in their lives. I dared not ask any question in the fear that I might offend them, unintentionally cutting open the wounds that had been feeding on them in total brutish.

It took me a few minutes to realize myself interacting with them in that seemingly abandoned parking lot, with a few vehicles located at different corners; they were so scattered they were not even parked properly. We were exchanging our goods, negotiating prices and engaging ourselves in the oddest trade of all. We had important stuffs like food for survival to limited edition Pokemon cards. (Don't ask me why Pokemon cards, I don't even know.)

Everything seemed calm and forgiving until a tiger whom existence was taken granted for, softly growled.

Yes, the promised perils.

As if planned ahead, everyone grew into silence in unison. Fear was slowly engulfing the people, including the timid me. It was only pure rationale to immediately depart from that jeopardous place. Two men and I quickly ascended a van with one of the men as the driver. What could be seen from my window seat was people finding their way out and climbing into other vehicles in the hope to save themselves from the ghastly, raging hungry tiger.

The driver punched the van towards the exit, like people escaping from villains in an action movie (or vice versa). We almost came into a disastrous collision with the shoddily designed small exit. What I thought was true was apparently wrong. We were not abandoned. Instead, we were held captive. But there was nothing a few unarmed guards could do with a racing van. We broke through a few exits to finally see daylight. We were safe.

-------------

It was a few years later that I saw myself clad in a black dress, taking moderately fast steps to that familiar van. It was the same van. I cautiously got into the van to only see a whole lot of impolite students, as I randomly heard vulgarity and cuss words being excessively practiced in their conversations. The driver was someone I know but I could barely tell who she was. Then, I saw the two men who saved me, or rather, who escaped the horrible scene with me a few years ago, coincidentally clad in black too. A faint smile was exchanged between us, as though everything was understood.

This was actually what I dreamed of this morning. Often times, I dream about escaping. I dream about being attacked by monsters, ghosts or just anything that can prove harmful to me. I don't know why I could see this similar pattern in my dream, that I am always escaping. And it's also unexplained that sometimes I could remember these vividly. So as soon as I woke up this morning, I decided to pen them down, or shall I say, to transform the dream to what you have just read in front of a computer screen. So yeah, peace out!

Nothing but, nothing

She's a very sensitive person. And a very sensitive person can only take that much.

Words can be mind-blowingly beautiful. They, too, can hurt and kill.

A friendly expression can light up one's day. The opposite can ruin everything, no matter how much you think you didn't mean it.

Maybe her being a b**** is the reason why jerks are all around her.

Tears are nothing but, nothing.