Unstable

March 6, 2012

I was wandering in the hope that I would stumble upon someone I could really talk to for a couple of minutes to wash away the boredom that had been haunting me. My eyes lingered. My legs walked in a slow but steady pace. I found no candidate and it took me a while to realize I forgot where I had placed my cute H2O bottle. Tell you a lame thing. I saw it resting beside a rubbish bin when I was throwing some waste papers away. Happily embraced it and walked back into my classroom. *mood lift* LOL

My smart-looking teacher for the current module, i.e. Mr Hafiz was not there, yet. Then I was stupidly alienating myself from the people. *mood drop* I tossed my head, examining my surrounding. The faint chatter grew stronger while I started immersing myself in own thoughts. How random and how unnecessary that my mind suddenly conceived nothing but the fear of abandonment, grasping me with its brutishness.

A day when my mood fluctuated, very much.

Another thing that was never constant was my weight.

When I first entered the Miri National Service Camp, my weight was 46kg. After a week or two, I shed 3kg. Then gained 2kg. Today I was a 44kg girl. Still underweight but I'm fine with it. =)

Sijil Pelajaran Malaysia :O

The first day of SPM, the official start of infinite anxiety and studying. We were in the battlefield, i.e. the Bishop Ferguson Hall (just to mention the grand-sounding name again in case you haven't checked my previous post already). The first paper which was the Malay Language Paper 1 (essay writing) was rather merciful to me. Yesterday's midnight oil was definitely burnt for worthy reason, it kind of saved my life. =) Sadly Paper 2 was a killer. Whatever I had spent hours studying just didn't appear in the question paper. :O Blame myself for relying too much on the inaccurate forecast question.

Anyway, it's over. Thinking positively, one is down, nine more papers to go. =P

Screw You

I simply hate it when she screams at me for nothing, when it's utterly unnecessary. I don't care if she's drunk. So what, if you're drunk, go get a sleep or regain your consciousness. Whenever she yells at me, she is reminding me of how she had wrongly accused me of nothing I'd done, for the umpteenth times. The look on her face. I still remember how she seemed perfectly sure that I turned my back on her when I didn't for the love of God. And she's putting me on the edge of anxiety breakdown. But the sorrow is not strong enough to drag me into the turbulent torrents of tears. She just makes me frown, as if tears are going to stream down my cheeks anytime but will never. I'm so tired of her leaving the strained look on my face. It's so bloody stupid.

One Week Left Before I Die! (not literally, of course)

I've been in St Mary Secondary Girl School for nearly five years. After one more month, I am no longer a St Marian, but an EX St Marian. How that single extra word can actually make a difference. You know right. Leaving school and then be lost in the cruel outside world that might chill the bone out of innocent teenagers like us, yet hidden with so much possibilities and opportunities. *sigh*

In that seemingly short but torturous month, the fifth formers have to sit for the much important examination, i.e. SPM in the Bishop Ferguson Hall, which is basically a small hall that can fit 1000 over students, provided that all of them place their butts on the parquet floor, and not in those comfortable cushioned chairs that eat up plenty of space, and money too. Bishop Ferguson was the one who suggested founding this school at 1912. That's like 99 years ago. Okay, get back to the topic. Exams... Ugh.... Throughout this year, we've sat for tonnes of exams and tests. First, there was Intervention. Then, Mid Year Exam. Diagnosis. Intervention II. SPM Trial. Now the real thing is coming. And what? I'm only six days away from SPM.

Honestly, I don't feel excited, scared, sad or whatever I should be feeling right now. I mean, it's only SPM. After a few years, my SPM result slip will be another piece of useless trash. Degree, Master or Ph.D. are more promising. I know I should strive for excellence in the present and I'm drifting rather far, giving myself excuses to not work for it. The art of procrastination, you will try to create whatever reason that sounds reasonable and trick yourself into believing that it's only right that you screw off.

Wake up!

It's Time For Change

Words of anger shot through my ears
Shocked and afraid a head would rear
Her face was grim, her stare could kill
I wished I could sugar the pill

This time, her heart beat no sympathy
Strongly, a slap landed on my face
"I am sorry" did no trick to thee
How I wished her wrath I could erase

Her look, her words and the ambience said
It was me who had forgotten the faith
I made her weep and it shall be paid
It was my fault for having misbehaved

I know well, it's time for change.

Written on June 7, 2010

The Other Truth

During the two-weeks holiday when I was supposed to be studying like a good teenager, I watched some Hong Kong drama instead. Now I introduce to you *drum rolls*

The Other Truth

Ruco Chan looks especially charming in this drama. He plays the role of Keith Lau, a lawyer full with sense of justice. And he's really cool. I mean, really. Mysterious when required. Sour when required. Hateful when required. Watch his eyes dart about as he speaks. Or when his tone changes ever so slightly. Or how his eyebrows gently twist to tell you he's not buying what the other guy is saying. The way he defeats all the villain in the story. Damn, I think this drama is just to melt ladies' hearts with his sexy (ew, sexy? but damn yeah...) character and bring him to fame and stardom. Okay, I'm not obsessed about him. He is just so cool. In the drama. I was really taken aback to know that he's already 34 years old. See how the actors and actresses can be brushed up to look so young and handsome and beautiful to blur the audience's eyes. But hey, I'm lovin' it. *evil laugh* Not forgetting Tavia who is also starring in this drama! But she's sort of over-promoted by TVB.

Tavia, such a beauty.

Ruco Chan, I like the bottom most second left pic.

Advertisement Time

Look, I'm advertising ShapeWorks product for free. lol

Lately, mom's been fueling me with some great-tasting vanilla shake. To put it correctly, it is actually nutritious mixed soy powder drink as the label reads. And it is high in protein and artificially vanilla flavoured. Yeah. Mom pours two heaping tablespoons of the powder, two heaping tablespoon of oats, 250ml of water and some fruits into the blender and needless to say, blend it. It's been helping my bowel. It is said that it is only available through Herbalife Independent Distributors. Good for losing weight too. Guys, have a try?

TRIAL AIN'T GONNA BRING ME DOWN. (Just see when I'll surrender T_T)

So, the spirit of SPM Trial Exam has been relived. We, the fifth formers have had our Malay Language paper today. For me, it wasn't that awful. It was rather easy because the night before, I was on Google, searching for samples of essays like crazy. But it turned out that 10 out of 10 essays I got online is IDENTICAL. I was like, seriously dude? Who is copying who now?

Anyway, that 10 essays, or shall I say, that ONE essay saved me from having to think about the points I should write. As I've sat for my Accounting and Malay Language paper, the burden on my shoulder certainly feels so much lighter. But HA... Just wait till I die when I'm to sit for the harder paper, like Biology? You should believe that I sleep during biology lesson. And I didn't bother to figure out what happened to Mendel and ovum or sperm after fertilization, oh whatever.

This brings me to studying 24/7 in front of the computer now, just so that I can go online. Then, feel guilty, read something. Lie on the floor. Subsequently falling asleep. Again, I'm seriously a procrastinator, not wanting to fail at the same time. (I think I never did. =X) Then the guilt comes and says, "HEY YOU'D BETTER READ!"


It's only the beginning of the trial exam, but I'm already excited to go for hangouts after the tormenting exams!

To all the fifth formers, break a leg!

Sometimes...

Birthday 2011

I was trying my very best to do the exercise my accounting teacher had given us. It just so happened that after a few months, I couldn't seem to remember any way to do a bank reconciliation. I was in a desperate need to dissect my brain for the answer. Okay, that's a slight exaggeration, hahaha... When I somehow figured out the way to solve the question, I went from a pool of frustration to a pool of relief and satisfaction. But when I looked at the next question, damn, I must've been brainwashed in the last second.

I stared at the unsolved problems and couldn't stop myself from frowning. Okay, at the least I've got some idea about it, I was so going to do this.... later. I tossed my head and took a glance at my Elle Studio watch. 20 minutes more to enjoying pizzas!

My birthday is on July 27, if you ever wanted to know. As far as I could recall, I haven't really celebrated my birthday with my friends, well yes, but not anywhere outside the school. My birthday was celebrated last year though it wasn't what I really favoured and wished for. But I know, I was appreciated and blessed compared to the unprivileged. Being grateful. LOL XD

So yeah, today was July 25, three days to my birthday and seven days to Pei Teng's birthday. Our friends must be preparing our mini birthday celebration while we were sitting in that classroom, having an accounting lesson in that atmosphere full of chatter.

Our birthday cake was a lovely fruit cake coated with yellow mango coating from Saint Heart if I'm not mistaken. The coating was rather sticky, almost like the cheese you see in Pizza Hut advertisement and someone described it as placenta, as if she's seen the real placenta. LOL Oh yeah, pizzas. They bought three regular-sized pizzas from Pizza Hut for about 10 of us, which was really abundant. I kept some for mom. XD Not forgetting mushroom soups ; so thick that I thought I might throw up after eating few slices of pizzas. Garlic bread ; splendid to be eaten after dipping it in the mushroom soup, heavenly. Chicken wings ; aww, I couldn't eat this, I'm a vegetarian, remember? Champagne ; everyone's favourite drink. And A&W beer ; the "beer" I used to drink when I was a kid.

I still remember how I stuffed Pei Teng's spectacles into the cake remain. MUAHAHA!!! Evil me. I was sure Pei Teng was surprised upon seeing her spectacles in cream. "Did you guys buy the wrong champagne? I doubt if the champagne contains alcohol," said Pei Teng while she smiled in disbelief. C'mon, just for fun. XP

Special thanks to Yvonne, Eng Jun, Vicky, Yap Xin, Yen Kei, Jye Chyi, Pei Teng and Jaice for your gifts.
Thank you everyone for organizing this wonderful birthday celebration.
Thank you for the joy and laughter.
Thank you for showing me you care when I don't look happy.
Thank you for tolerating my ignorance.
Thank you for walking into my life and staying with me as my friends till now.

I love you all dearly. ♥